Are your childless friends constantly wondering “Why on Earth would you WANT to subject yourself to pregnancy, infancy, and *gasp* toddlerhood?” With bags under your eyes and a screaming child in tow, are you often unsure how to answer aside from, “The cuddles and tax breaks are pretty legit!”? Fret no more, friends.
Here’s a quick list of perks you never knew existed until you had a bambino of your own.
Excuses. If you’re like me and sometimes you just. don’t. wanna, a baby gives you a built-in excuse to get out of virtually anything. I hear this only works until your child can tell on you, but a new baby should buy you a solid three years of socially acceptable outs. This is definitely my husband’s favorite parenting perk.
Free Candy. Remember when your parents *needed* to check your Halloween candy to be sure it wasn’t “poisonous”? Turns out this is 100% true. Especially Reeses’ candies, Snickers, and Hershey bars. Kids bring home a surprising amount of treats from school, people are constantly dropping off “something sweet for the little one,” and grandparents LOVE to bring candy and cookies. It’s your duty as a parent to be sure these are safe for your child.
Weight loss program. Don’t worry about all that free candy. You won’t have time to eat it once your kiddo is on the move. I lost 40 pounds from the time C was eight months until his second birthday. The secret is two-fold. First, you spend your time chasing a small human who is determined cause himself serious bodily harm every second of every day (Work out plan? Check!). Second, on the off chance you do have time to enjoy a meal, said small human will demand to eat your food (please, please, do not confuse this with his food; he’ll have none of that).
You’re a cheap date. A booze-free pregnancy and all of the sudden you’re under the table after a half glass of wine. One day you might even build up to a whole glass. But not more than this (don’t tell your friends it’s because you’re TERRIFIED of functioning in your new life with a hangover).
Excellent training for reality TV. I always imagined that the most difficult part of being on a reality TV show would be the lack of privacy. I don’t remember the last time I peed at home or showered without an audience. Parenting also is great prep for shows like Survivor and The Amazing Race.
KidzBop. Ok, #sorrynotsorry, the KidzBop station on Amazon Prime Radio is the greatest thing to happen to my mood since coffee and chocolate. Kidless and listening to KidzBop? Weirdo. Toddler in the backseat? Totally normal.
Lowered standards. Dirty hair? House covered in granola bar and fruit snacks? Chik-fil-A for the third time this week? It’s cool, you have a small child! I’ve blamed more things on “mom brain” in the past three years than I care to admit, but hey, after wrestling the precious child in our bed from 3:30am to 6:30am when he decides to fall back asleep (you know, just in time for me to get ready for work), I’ll play whatever card I need to.