Dear Paw Patrol,
Hi, it’s me, Jessie. You may remember me from that time I asked you a bunch of questions. Which you still haven’t answered, so thanks for that.
Let’s start with how you ruined my Christmas. The only thing my then four-year-old son wanted was the Sea Patroller. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s another gigantic toy in your collection of gigantic toys that my child “needs” so he can have the whole Paw Patrol Universe. For once, I decided we were going to be the ones to get him what he really wanted, not the grandparents. I found a good deal on your overpriced boat on Target.com and went for it.
I wrapped up that box — a box that could hold a vacuum cleaner or other small appliance — and hid it in our room. Then, when all the other presents were unwrapped, we brought it out for Joshua, videoing the whole thing, just knowing he was going to be THRILLED. He should have been, right? He opened it, and instead of being thrilled about the Sea Patroller, he was enamored with the other items advertised on the back of the box that he didn’t have. SERIOUSLY. You can’t even let me buy one thing without advertising six others? I hid in my room and cried. Thanks for that.
I am over you, Paw Patrol.
I am over the fact that you now have “Sea Patrol,” “Mission Paw,” and special themed episodes that each have their own insane amount of merchandising. Despite the fact that we already have three Rubbles, Joshua thinks he needs Mission Paw Rubble, Sea Patrol Rubble, Secret Agent Rubble, and Rubble with a crane instead of a digger! He also wants a Mini Squishy Rubble which only comes in a blind bag, so we’ll probably just get Rocky again!
I know you could only save so many things in Adventure Bay and the episodes that take place in England or Puplantis are probably just to keep your writers from becoming incredibly bored. I get it, I do. But I think it’s time for us to break up. This is no longer a TV show that my kid watches; it is a world that he wants to populate in our playroom and I just don’t have the expendable income to suit his fancies — nor do I think we ACTUALLY need 17 of each pup.
Maybe I’ll start slipping the DVDs into the Goodwill bag and see if Joshua notices. Maybe the Nick Jr. app can just go into hiding off the Fire TV. Maybe I can start hiding pups around the house until he forgets about them. (Who am I kidding? He’s a five-year-old boy. He can’t remember to put on underwear but the number of times he’s asked me about the Dinosaur Optimus Prime I secretly donated is in the HUNDREDS.)
I expect when Joshua enters kindergarten in the fall he might start to let go of the Paw Patrol obsession. But I have an 18-month-old too and I will basically do anything not to have her carry on this adoration for talking, driving dogs and incompetent human adults.