Before you start judging, of course I love my baby. He is a part of me.
But I would be lying if I didn’t say that the love wasn’t instant.
When I was pregnant everyone told me that when you hold your baby and see him for the first time, the feeling is unbelievable. You are instantly connected to your child and it is a love you have never known.
Maybe that happened for all my friends, but not me. My story was a little different and that is okay. I want to share my story so other moms who felt like I did don’t feel as though they are the only ones — you are not!
If you read my story about how I became a mom, you know the journey wasn’t easy. There were heartbreak and tears before there were smiles and joys at becoming pregnant with my son Easton. Due to my difficult journey becoming a mom I felt like I should be one of the moms who is instantly connected and in love with their newborn. But, I wasn’t; this made me feel horrible and like something was wrong with me.
Other than worrying due to a previous miscarriage, I was pretty fortunate during my pregnancy. Especially during my sixth and seventh months, I absolutely loved being pregnant. I was excited about the nursery, the baby name, the baby clothes, and the birthing plan all coming together — I couldn’t wait to become a mom.
Then month nine hit. I was uncomfortable. I was huge. I was getting anxious. I was about to be a mom and I was worried.
I wasn’t worried about the c-section; I was worried that I made the wrong choice. I was worried that maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I attributed this feeling to being nervous about becoming a mom and that it was happening so soon. I had waited so long to hold my baby, yet I was nervous.
When I told close friends about my feelings, I was told that once I saw my son, it would be a love like I never knew, that all the pieces would just fall together. So I credited my feelings to being anxious and nervous. As they rolled me into the hallway for my c-section, I started to cry. I felt like maybe I had made the wrong decision. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom and wouldn’t be a good one. Maybe I made a mistake.
I was so scared.
As I lay on the operating table with my mom and husband by my side, I waited to hear my son’s cry and to see him. Based on what my friends had said, once I saw him, all would fall into place.
I saw him and things didn’t fall into place. I wasn’t immediately overwhelmed with love. I wasn’t immediately overwhelmed with connection and comfort. Instead, I was immediately overwhelmed and because I didn’t have the feelings everyone said I would, I felt more anxiety than before he was born.
It broke my heart.
I wanted to become a mom for so long, yet I didn’t know if I should be. The tears and heartache were signs that I shouldn’t have become pregnant. As my loved ones came to visit, I would see them fall instantly in love, and I would think, “Why am I not like that?” I was worried I was going to ruin my son’s life.
My c-section also caused some challenges as I couldn’t get my son on my own; in fact, I didn’t change a diaper until he was four-days-old. I had trouble breast-feeding, which made me feel even more disconnected from him. I was so sad at a time that was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life and I told no one, until today.
But then, after a day of being home, something clicked.
Maybe it was the shower and being free from all the wires. Maybe it was that I was able to move by myself again. Maybe it was that I was in my own home. But when Easton woke up one night, I picked him up and positioned him for breastfeeding, and it just happened. We connected. He was feeding. I was overwhelmed with calmness, not anxiousness. I was overwhelmed with comfort, not worry.
Most of all I was overwhelmed with a love I have never experienced before. It was a love between mother and son.
From that day on, everything just clicked. Do I have days in which I feel like I’ve failed? ABSOLUTELY! But I’ve never had a day in which I don’t feel an overwhelming love for my son. Easton was the best thing I have ever done and I am so grateful he is mine.