sorrynotsorry (or Why I’m Done Apologizing for Every Little Thing)

Recently, I found myself feeling like I had to apologize to some friends because I was going to be late to dinner. See, I had already missed two nights in a row of bedtime routines with my 2-year-old son, and I was not about to miss a third. My friends and I were having a difficult time scheduling dinner, because I was holding everyone up with my plan to put my son to bed. This meant I couldn’t get to dinner until 8:30pm, when everyone else could be there before 8pm. I started feeling like some of them were annoyed that I wouldn’t just make things easier for them by skipping another night with my son, and I started getting angry because I shouldn’t have to apologize for wanting to be with my child at bedtime. So, guess what I did? Not only did I not say “sorry,” but I took my time with my son and then didn’t show up to dinner until 8:45pm. And that felt good.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I am constantly having to apologize for something.

I don’t know if it’s a southern thing, or a woman thing, or a southern woman thing, but some days it feels like I say “sorry” more than my kid says “mommy” (just kidding, nothing beats that). I say “sorry” to the person who bumps into me at the store, as if it’s my fault that they weren’t paying attention. I say sorry to the person tailgating me, as if it’s my fault they want to go 90mph in the fast lane and my 80mph is slowing them down. I say sorry to my fellow restaurant-goers, as if it’s my fault my toddler is losing his mind over a lost crayon. And I’m just done. I’m not saying that I’m not going to apologize when it’s warranted, like when I have legitimately done something or someone wrong. But I’m done with all the other apologies — the ones where someone is undeservedly expecting one from me, or the ones where I say them out of politeness, or the ones where I say them out of defensiveness. D-O-N-E, DONE.

For now and forever, I’m sorrynotsorry.

To my son on a day we don’t leave the house: sorrynotsorry, but I just don’t have it in me to drive you all over town today and do all the fun kid things outside and at the museum and at the aquarium; living room yoga and racing cars will have to do. 

To my husband on a day we don’t have sex: sorrynotsorry, but after dealing with a toddler banshee-screeching in my ear and running me ragged all day, I just don’t have it in me to feign interest in anything other than wine and mindless entertainment tonight.

To my family on a day we have PB & J sandwiches for dinner: sorrynotsorry, but I just don’t have the energy to slave over a hot anything tonight (unless it’s a guy and his name is Tom Hardy).

To my house on a day I leave smashed peas and dried milk on the floor: sorrynotsorry, but I just don’t have it in me today to care about the bacteria slowly starting to creep in; I’ll wipe you down tomorrow after my kid eats one too many raisins or crackers off the floor.

To my parents and sisters on a day we don’t talk: sorrynotsorry, but I just don’t have the time today to expend energy on anyone other than the people I’m required to feed and keep alive.

To my friends on a day we don’t get to hang out: sorrynotsorry, but I’m just going to stay home with my husband and kid tonight; I like you, but I don’t want to see you today.

To my son’s teachers on a day when I am unable to show appreciation: sorrynotsorry, but I am simply too tired, too overrun, and too poor today to provide a token of my esteem; I am forever grateful for all you do, but today I only have words for you.

To the stranger on the playground on a day your kid is being awful (especially when it’s affecting my kid): sorrynotsorry, but I meant what I said when I told your awful child to chill the flip out.

To my bank account on a day that I spend too much money: sorrynotsorry, but if I don’t buy all of these items at Target today I might go into a rage. Mama NEEDS some things for herself.

To the public on a day that I don’t have it in me to look pretty or smile at you: sorrynotsorry, but I’m just too tired and stressed out to put on a face for you today. I’m normally a pretty happy person, but I just can’t today.

To myself on a day that I don’t work out: sorrynotsorry, but I’m probably still going to eat ice cream tonight. Lots of it. Maybe even the whole tub. And it’s going to be glorious.

To my readers on a day that I don’t reach you with my words: sorrynotsorry, but I just can’t be everything to everyone. I hope you can be okay with that. I know I’m going to try my darndest to be okay with that, too. 

So, to all you mamas (and papas) out there who ever feel like you’re not doing enough or saying enough or being enough, just go ahead and stop right now. Give yourself a break. Lighten your load. And say it with me: sorrynotsorry. Feels good, doesn’t it?

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